Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*checks Timeline*…
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
#SCOTUS one-star review
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up