“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
You Might Also Like
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
me adding lol on a serious message
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life