“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I identify as an antique shop.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb