For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
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[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
emergency phone
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?