asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
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Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
no such thing as a dumb question