Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
black phone good
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
WTF
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’