Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife