If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
eggs benadryl
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.