Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!