Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
my dad has had enough
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
What an awful time to have common sense.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
True?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”