He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
scrabbled eggs
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.