Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I’m listening
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.