Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Dishonest mechanic?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
What
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
buying dead houseplants to save time
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.