Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT