Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Born to be mild.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.