I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Shoo shoo! 😂
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.