People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
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Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain