God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
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my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
water it, i dare you