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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
it was love at first sight
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.