Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
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I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.