me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The dark side of Canada
Lol.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”