Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”