[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.