I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god