When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
twitter users today:
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.