[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.