My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
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MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set