drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
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[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
He a real one for that
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD