I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting