ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”