*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’