Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
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I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Stop.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.