I’m good, thanks.
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All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”