If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.