On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …