Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If I ignore life will it go away?
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.