I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*