Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
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According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
How animals would run if they were human
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.