date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
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isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Mornin
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Yes, this is exactly right
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”