The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
How to wake up a Beagle
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart