I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Smile they said.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you