Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me trying to “trust the process”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.