Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Blew my mind.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams