me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.