You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.