*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
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I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull