Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Overindulged this afternoon.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!