the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
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They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time