I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
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not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
OMG 🤣🤣
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.