Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.